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Jan 23, 2013
01/13
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>> stephen: i'm doing the thing right now. >> stephen, we need to talk. >> stephen: well, of course, you're my guest tonight. dusty and i -- can i call you dusty? >> yeah. dusty and i had a great time making his new movie "quintet" in which i play the pivotal role of buddy, the spoons player. >> yeah, about the movie, we need to talk. >> yes! let's talk sequel. picture this: "octet", starring all the original cast, plus me in fat suits for three more roles. it will be like "the klumps" meets "twilight." fat, african american vampires. [ laughter ] >> actually, we made some changes in editing, and there's no easy way to say this, but stephen, i'm afraid i had to cut you from the movie. [audience reacts] >> stephen: what? >> i'm really sorry, stephen, this is how the business works. i was completely cut out of "rain man." >> stephen: you won an oscar for "rain man." >> yes, for playing raymond. but originally, i was supposed to play both parts. they added tom cruise in post. [ laughter ] >> stephen: but dustin-tin, can i call you tintin? >> okay. [ laughter ] >> stephen: tinny, you can
>> stephen: i'm doing the thing right now. >> stephen, we need to talk. >> stephen: well, of course, you're my guest tonight. dusty and i -- can i call you dusty? >> yeah. dusty and i had a great time making his new movie "quintet" in which i play the pivotal role of buddy, the spoons player. >> yeah, about the movie, we need to talk. >> yes! let's talk sequel. picture this: "octet", starring all the original cast, plus me in fat suits for...
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Jan 28, 2013
01/13
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stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]> flu emergency:
stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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Jan 22, 2013
01/13
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stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] for the new mattress models but sleep train's huge year end clearance we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] is ending soon. for a short time, save hundreds on tempur-pedic mattresses. get the most highly-recommended bed in america at closeout prices. plus, get interest-free financing and free same-day delivery. why wait for the new models? sleep train's year end clearance is ending soon. superior service, best selection, lowest price, guaranteed. ♪ sleep train ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ welcome back
stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] for the new...
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Jan 23, 2013
01/13
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stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. 4040p32>h8nç[cheers and applaus] welcome back. thank you very much. folks, it's cold and flu season, and let me tell you purell just doesn't work. i've been chugging that stuff for weeks and i still feel nauseous. [ laughter ] this is the threatdown: [sirens] contagion edition. threat number 5: the flu! folks, i've had a beef with influenza ever since the early 20th century when 50 million people were killed by spanish flu. [ laughter ] you're telling me an american pathogen wouldn't do that job? [ laughter ] but this year, we could all be at risk. >> flu emergency:
stephen t. mos def colbert, d.f.a, heavyweight champion of the world, do solemnly affirm that i will faithfully reject this president of the united states. and will, to the best of your knowledge, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution, and ensure he's a one two-term president. in sickness and in health, so help me god, play ball, the tribe has spoken, ba ba ba ba-da! i'm lovin' it! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. 4040p32>h8nç[cheers and applaus] welcome back. thank you...
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Jan 25, 2013
01/13
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>> stephen: aren't you? >> no. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: well, sally, thank you so much for coming. >> thank you. that's it. i don't get anymore. >> stephen: no, of course we do. [ laughter ] we do. of course. oh, oh, yes, i have to ask -- >> okay, yeah. >> stephen: you gained 25 pounds for this role. >> good question. good question. [ laughter ] >> stephen: true? >> i did. >> stephen: how did you do it? >> a ate a whole lot of food. >> stephen: that's why you are a superstar. >> i know. >> stephen: 25 pounds you are a little thing. i know you got the boniva. do your bones have the structural integrity to hold the 25 powns. >> they do now because i've been taking boniva. [ applause ] >> stephen: you know who could have used boniva? mary todd lincoln. she we are the country on her back. >> she did. she did. i bet she wasn't invited to a lot of parties either. >> stephen: she wasn't. thank you so much for joining
>> stephen: aren't you? >> no. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: well, sally, thank you so much for coming. >> thank you. that's it. i don't get anymore. >> stephen: no, of course we do. [ laughter ] we do. of course. oh, oh, yes, i have to ask -- >> okay, yeah. >> stephen: you gained 25 pounds for this role. >> good question. good question. [ laughter ] >> stephen: true? >> i did. >> stephen: how did you do it?...
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Jan 26, 2013
01/13
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] >> stephen: that's right. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks, please -- welcome -- welcome, ladies and gentlemen, in here out there to tonight's information uplink. thank you for joining us, folks. folks, when i'm right, i'm right. and when i'm wrong, i'm often right, too. but when i'm wrong and i'm wrong, i'm big enough to change my opinion. [ laughter ] case in point, i'm no fan of the french. [ laughter ] yeah, they gave us that statue, but it turned green as soon as we put it up. [ laughter ] and i don't have to tell you what a money pit louisiana's turned out to be. jefferson should have gotten a gift receipt for that thing. [ laughter ] i have always seen the french as truffle-huffing surrender monkeys. [ laughter ] but it turns out they're actually truffle-huffing surrender monkeys with family values. jim? >> hundreds of thousands of people opposing same sex marriage rallied on the streets of paris today. france's president is pushing a plan to leg
] >> stephen: that's right. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks, please -- welcome -- welcome, ladies and gentlemen, in here out there to tonight's information uplink. thank you for joining us, folks. folks, when i'm right, i'm right. and when i'm wrong, i'm often right, too. but when i'm wrong and i'm wrong, i'm big enough to change my opinion. [ laughter ] case in point, i'm no fan of the french. [ laughter ] yeah, they gave us that...
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Jan 17, 2013
01/13
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this is stephen colbert. ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. please. good to have you with us. as you can see, folks i'm on top of the world today. [ laughter ] because of the study i read that forcing a smile genuinely makes you happier. i have to say, this study makes sense. that joker guy seems really chipper. [ laughter ] this is great news. i'm just so sad i didn't know it before. all right. all right. let's see what is happening in the news tonight. okay. checking the web here. president obama signed 23 gun control measures today and called on congress to ban assault weapons and 100 round magazines. [ laughter ] there goes my fishing trip, okay? [ laughter ] more on that tomorrow. what else do we have here? the system of boeing 787 dreamliner can apparently burst into flames. they don't know why. that's fun. [ laughter
this is stephen colbert. ["the colbert report" theme music captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. please. good to have you with us. as you can see, folks i'm on top of the world today. [ laughter ] because of the study i read that forcing a smile genuinely makes you happier. i have to say, this study makes sense. that joker guy...
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Jan 30, 2013
01/13
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. >> stephen: okay. >> wrong again because the supremacy clause says that the constitution and the laws of the united states are the supreme law of the land. it's right there in the constitution. >> stephen: the states should pass a ratified new amendment that says be it known you are not -- >> if they did that it would be up to the federal courts courtso interpret it. >> stephen: will there be troops in tennessee telling local sheriffs to enforce this law? >> that's not going to happen? this is rhetoric. they have the executive orders. one of the executive orders calls for a dialog on mental health. >> stephen: the federal government cannot come in with jack booted dialoggers and talk about things we don't wish to consider. >> if you want to object to the dialog file a suit. can i recommend lawyers to you. >> stephen: i bet you can. >> and bring a case yourself. >> stephen: cliff thanks so much for joining me. i'll be calling the lawyer. cliff sloan, thebook bookss [cheers and applause] welcome back, ev
. >> stephen: okay. >> wrong again because the supremacy clause says that the constitution and the laws of the united states are the supreme law of the land. it's right there in the constitution. >> stephen: the states should pass a ratified new amendment that says be it known you are not -- >> if they did that it would be up to the federal courts courtso interpret it. >> stephen: will there be troops in tennessee telling local sheriffs to enforce this law?...
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Jan 11, 2013
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>> hey, stephen! hey, kids! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: mcgnaw, i understand you've got an important message for today's youth. >> yeah! kids, stay away from wheat if you want to grow up big and strong like your old pal, mcgnaw! yom yom yom! >> stephen: now what if someone tries to offer them wheat, mcgnaw? >> well, just say "gnaw"! then tell someone you trust, like a parent, or a teacher -- or a beaver! [ laughter ] >> stephen: great advice. so what "should" kids eat? >> well, instead of wheat, you can eat healthy things like fruits or vegetables or wood! [ laughter ] >> stephen: that's right, kids. wait, what was that last one? >> wood! yom yom yom! [ laughter ] >> stephen: okay, um, mcgnaw, i'm not entirely sure eating wood is good idea. [ laughter ] >> no, stephen-- it's a great idea! leaf it to beaver-- it's incredi-bark-able! laugh -- [ laughter ] >> stephen: it's a great in theo. your core message still solid but humans can't digest wood. >> have you ever tried it? >> stephen: no, i haven't. >> then
>> hey, stephen! hey, kids! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: mcgnaw, i understand you've got an important message for today's youth. >> yeah! kids, stay away from wheat if you want to grow up big and strong like your old pal, mcgnaw! yom yom yom! >> stephen: now what if someone tries to offer them wheat, mcgnaw? >> well, just say "gnaw"! then tell someone you trust, like a parent, or a teacher -- or a beaver! [ laughter ] >> stephen: great advice....
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Jan 15, 2013
01/13
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>> i have. >> stephen: read the constitution. >> i have. >> stephen: you are having people -- people are saying you are just pumping up your ratings by having on crazy people. why not have reasonable people on to talk about -- people on the pro-gun side of debate who happen to be reasonable voices who think there are something that can be done. >> none of them think we should take any guns away. >> stephen: i know because it's not reasonable because it's not constitutional. have you read the constitution? >> can i have another copy? [ laughter ] >> stephen: good to seeu.you.
>> i have. >> stephen: read the constitution. >> i have. >> stephen: you are having people -- people are saying you are just pumping up your ratings by having on crazy people. why not have reasonable people on to talk about -- people on the pro-gun side of debate who happen to be reasonable voices who think there are something that can be done. >> none of them think we should take any guns away. >> stephen: i know because it's not reasonable because it's not...
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[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. everybody, welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. nation, i am back! [cheers and applause] now, i haven't sat at this desk for 24 days. that is 576 hours or two viewings of les miserables. by the way, for the record i think javert is getting a raw deal here. he's just a cop doing his job. jean valjean is a criminal and must be brought to justice. you're a thief! hollywood soft on crime. [ laughter ] of course, i spent every minute of the break with my family. now, it turns out -- [ laughter ] they are a lovely bunch of people. [ laughter ] great company. i wish them all the best. see you in the spring. [ laughter ] and, folks, like many americans, over the holidays i took care of a lot of things i've been putting off. the first six days, i spent just going to the bathroom. just too busy during the election. i also went to the doctor for a full physical. that area i was worried about, got some cream for it. [ laughter ] and those odd little growths, apparently those are to
[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. everybody, welcome to the broadcast. good to have you with us. nation, i am back! [cheers and applause] now, i haven't sat at this desk for 24 days. that is 576 hours or two viewings of les miserables. by the way, for the record i think javert is getting a raw deal here. he's just a cop doing his job. jean valjean is a criminal and must be brought to justice. you're a thief! hollywood soft...
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Jan 17, 2013
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and he will start to shake the tree. >> stephen: tonight a stephen colbert special report: monkey on the lam, extra investigation. 1381 days of terror in tampa. don mcbride was one of earliest eye witnesses. >> i was in a family room early on a sunday morning and i looked out and he was on the bird feeder take out nuts and birdseed. he looked back through the window at me and i was startled. >> this monkey was interested in more than just don's nuts. there were sightings all over pinellas county. >> this monkey was everywhere and i would say probably thousands of people saw this monkey. >> emily was the tampa bay times monkey bureau chief. she helped authorities piece together a portrait of the fugitive. >> people described him as a squirrel or maybe like a cat. >> brown fur. sort of a light patch in the front. >> carried arms and sharp teeth. he was scary looking. [ laughter ] as sightings piled up officials knew it was time to call in the monkey hunter. throughout my lifetime of doing this i tracked down hundreds of monkey. vernonates is a professional animal tracker. he joined for
and he will start to shake the tree. >> stephen: tonight a stephen colbert special report: monkey on the lam, extra investigation. 1381 days of terror in tampa. don mcbride was one of earliest eye witnesses. >> i was in a family room early on a sunday morning and i looked out and he was on the bird feeder take out nuts and birdseed. he looked back through the window at me and i was startled. >> this monkey was interested in more than just don's nuts. there were sightings all...
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Jan 25, 2013
01/13
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stephen: what is that? they must be happy when you ask them. i bet they are really happy, that would be cool. >> would you like to? >> stephen: what? [cheers and applause] maybe. i don't know. i mean seriously -- this is sudden. [ laughter ] i was thinking of writing a column from the point of view of a 48-year-old dad. >> great. >> stephen: and it's called you're not wearing that. all right? and girls would send in photos of what they thought was okay to wear and i would take color forms and put new clothes on them and say this is what you are wear, what do you think? >> fine, i'll take it. >> stephen: that is called synergy. what do you think about my look? >> fine. >> stephen: because i don't think i could do the bangs. we got direction of the different basic looks i could rock, okay? >> true. >> stephen: let's take a look at the different looks. this is tortured artist. this is the tortured artist. >> stephen: and ladies go for the tortured artist. >> i think so. i'm told. yeah. >> stephen: another one,
stephen: what is that? they must be happy when you ask them. i bet they are really happy, that would be cool. >> would you like to? >> stephen: what? [cheers and applause] maybe. i don't know. i mean seriously -- this is sudden. [ laughter ] i was thinking of writing a column from the point of view of a 48-year-old dad. >> great. >> stephen: and it's called you're not wearing that. all right? and girls would send in photos of what they thought was okay to wear and i...
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Jan 18, 2013
01/13
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[crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for the amount of energy you put into that chanting given the fact that you've done it before. welcome to hour two of the broadcast. nation, you know, i do this show for one reason and one reason only, to look out for you. as we speak there's a massive corporate conspiracy to rip you off that the president has been strangely silent on. fortunately one brave news organization tackled it head on. "the new york post". today their front page blew the lid off the scandal honey, they shrunk the foot long. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] black and white. turns out that the subway foot-long is sometimes 11 inches. we've been $5 foot wronged. come on! 12 inches is 12 inches. i know it's cold out but that's no excuse. [ laughter ] now -- now we know how jared lost all that weight. [ laughter ] he starved to death. [ laughter ] folks this is an enormous breach of trust, subway. are your employees even certified sandwich artists? have they passed the free art test where they have to
[crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for the amount of energy you put into that chanting given the fact that you've done it before. welcome to hour two of the broadcast. nation, you know, i do this show for one reason and one reason only, to look out for you. as we speak there's a massive corporate conspiracy to rip you off that the president has been strangely silent on. fortunately one brave news organization tackled it...
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Jan 11, 2013
01/13
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[cheers and applause] [crowd changt stephen] [crowd chanting stephen b.c.] >> stephen: thank you sox please, sit down, everybody. folks, welcome to chit chat, where we girls -- [cheers and applause] we girls just sit around and talk to each other. nation, you know if you watch the show, one of hardest thing about be me is always being right. [ laughter ] no one will watch baseball with me anymore, because i correctly predict every pitch will be boring. i'm like cassandra. [ laughter ] well, lo, it hath come once more to pass just as i spaketh it last fall, when i brought you news of a study that found men are sexually attracted to their female platonic friends. men were also more attracted to female acquaintances, female strangers they saw on the street, pictures of women on billboards, sears catalogs, and particularly plump couch cushions. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] oh, sure. everybody laughed. well, let's see them laugh at this! "man has sex with a sofa in the street." [ laughter ] evidently, a 46-year-old man in waukesha, wisconsin, seen here in his eharmony profile, was a
[cheers and applause] [crowd changt stephen] [crowd chanting stephen b.c.] >> stephen: thank you sox please, sit down, everybody. folks, welcome to chit chat, where we girls -- [cheers and applause] we girls just sit around and talk to each other. nation, you know if you watch the show, one of hardest thing about be me is always being right. [ laughter ] no one will watch baseball with me anymore, because i correctly predict every pitch will be boring. i'm like cassandra. [ laughter ]...
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stephen t. colbert, dfa. [cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] quick disclaimer: i am not a medical doctor. i'm an honorary doctor of fine arts, so most of my patients do a pretty good impression of "the scream." as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott: see what everyone's suing about! [ laughter ] first up, aging. >> old! >> stephen: thanks. folks, we're all searching for the secret to longevity. me, i'm not worried. because according my medical history, i've been alive every day of my life. [ laughter ] so project that forward, and i will never die. that's math. [ laughter ] and folks, there is new evidence that the stephen colbert lifestyle will ensure years from now you will be sitting pretty, enjoying free food at all your friends' funerals. [ laughter ] jim? >> can losing your cool actually be good for you? a new german study found people who express their anger live two years longer on average than those who bottle up their rage. >> stephen: yes, a ge
stephen t. colbert, dfa. [cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] quick disclaimer: i am not a medical doctor. i'm an honorary doctor of fine arts, so most of my patients do a pretty good impression of "the scream." as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott: see what everyone's suing about! [ laughter ] first up, aging. >> old! >> stephen: thanks. folks, we're all searching for the secret to longevity. me, i'm not worried....
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Jan 29, 2013
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[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: yes! yes! yes! [cheers and applause] absolutely. welcome. [cheers and applause] yes, please. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome back. please. ladies and gentlemen, those bastards have had a free ride long enough. it ends tonight. nation, president obama's second term is only a week old, and already we are one week closer to dying. welcome to obamacare. [ laughter ] and the president is dropping the ball on homeland security. >> the tsa is removing the body scanners that produce a naked image of the passengers bodies. you remember those? they're being removed bc the company that manufactures them couldn't meet a deadline to install the privacy software. they're going to be replaced with other scanners that produce a generic outline of the passenger's body. >> stephen: a generic outline of the body? [ laughter ] how can i legally show the tsa my penis now? [ laughter ] i used to write them little messages in lead-based paint. [ laughter ] like "good morning" or "all evidenc
[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: yes! yes! yes! [cheers and applause] absolutely. welcome. [cheers and applause] yes, please. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome back. please. ladies and gentlemen, those bastards have had a free ride long enough. it ends tonight. nation, president obama's second term is only a week old, and already we are one week closer to dying. welcome to obamacare. [ laughter ] and the president is dropping the ball...
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stephen, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause) >> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> all eyes were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of b
stephen, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause) >> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help...